On being a parent.

After getting through this past year, I am positive of one thing - I was always meant to be a mother. No matter how I previously tried to deny ever wanting to be a mother, there is now nothing in this world that I could even imagine wanting more than being a mother. I live to wake up to my son smiling and whisper good morning softly to him, to spend my entire paycheck on things for him instead of myself, to stay in on the weekends and watch Stuart Little instead of getting drunk with my buddies, planning birthdays and holidays instead of town hopping. I was always meant to do this. As I pour my heart and soul into this, it could really never express the feeling I get, the satisfaction, knowing I am a good mother.

I don't know if I should feel bad or not, but I was talking to Matthew earlier and he said the following: "I am an unfamiliar face to my only son. I kind of hate myself." It made me incredibly sad. To know that he has missed so many smiles, laughs,silly and trying moments in Evan's life hits me really hard. I really wish he couldve been here for all of it. He wasn't on his own accord and I can't blame myself for it. All we can do if move forward and do the best we can.

Evan will be ONE in five days. I got him a brand new car seat, which he loves. We spent the day together and went grocery shopping. Sounds weird but I love days like this, we really bond and I just feel accomplished. I'm pretty sure Evan had a crush on the checkout lady because she gave him an orange balloon :)

I'm extremely exhausted and we're going to watch a movie.