Your first birthday.

As I lay here with your head nestled closely and your arm draped across my chest, I know there is no greater feeling than this. Before you fell asleep we watched a candle burn. There was nothing more important to you than me and vice versa. I love you more than the sun and moon, more than the clouds and air and all the raindrops, more than all of the baby animals in the world, more than Hello Kitty, more than anything in this entire world.

A year ago today, I had gone into labor. I wasn't ready for you. Now, there's nothing else that I know I was made for. We both could have died that day. We survived. I am positive there is nothing that you and I cannot get through as long as we have each other.

You are the most special thing to me. I can't stop kissing you and being grateful every second of my life, just because I have you in it.

I promise you, you will never have to wonder what love is.

I love you liddul man.

Happy First Birthday, Evan.

Lyrics of the day

When you try your best, but you don't succeed. When you get what you want, but not what you need. When you feel so tired, but you can't sleep. Stuck in reverse. And the tears come streaming down your face when you lose something you can't replace. When you love someone, but it goes to waste. Could it be worse? And high up above or down below, when you're too in love to let it go. But if you never try you'll never know just what you're worth.

But, you and I both know that we are

a lost cause and nothing more than specks on this Earth.

On being a parent.

After getting through this past year, I am positive of one thing - I was always meant to be a mother. No matter how I previously tried to deny ever wanting to be a mother, there is now nothing in this world that I could even imagine wanting more than being a mother. I live to wake up to my son smiling and whisper good morning softly to him, to spend my entire paycheck on things for him instead of myself, to stay in on the weekends and watch Stuart Little instead of getting drunk with my buddies, planning birthdays and holidays instead of town hopping. I was always meant to do this. As I pour my heart and soul into this, it could really never express the feeling I get, the satisfaction, knowing I am a good mother.

I don't know if I should feel bad or not, but I was talking to Matthew earlier and he said the following: "I am an unfamiliar face to my only son. I kind of hate myself." It made me incredibly sad. To know that he has missed so many smiles, laughs,silly and trying moments in Evan's life hits me really hard. I really wish he couldve been here for all of it. He wasn't on his own accord and I can't blame myself for it. All we can do if move forward and do the best we can.

Evan will be ONE in five days. I got him a brand new car seat, which he loves. We spent the day together and went grocery shopping. Sounds weird but I love days like this, we really bond and I just feel accomplished. I'm pretty sure Evan had a crush on the checkout lady because she gave him an orange balloon :)

I'm extremely exhausted and we're going to watch a movie.

I AM THE HORIZON.

I am getting my life back on track.
I couldn't be happier.